I'll be the first to say that my body is nowhere near perfect, not quite where it could or should be, and that despite my workout efforts and {for the most part} good eating habits, I still struggle internally about where my body is physically, all things considered.
And before anyone says anything - this is not a fish-for-compliments post. I know there are people out there who think I look awesome {which I totally appreciate}, just as much as there are people out there that don't {which I can totally understand}. This is truly about how I feel about myself.
I have battled with my bad body image tendencies for years. I am somewhat thankful for that in a messed up way, because I think that if I hadn't hated so hard on my body in the past, I wouldn't work as hard as I do now...and I will admit, I feel a lot better about my body nowadays than I ever did as a teenager, even after two kids.
I guess I've always felt I had something to prove. Never the prom queen type, not the thinnest, not even near the prettiest...I was just sort of somewhere lost in the middle of it all. I didn't find myself to be highly noticeable, despite my love for attention {middle child syndrome, anyone?} I could go on an on about the stupid fad diets I've tried, the eating disorder tendencies, the pills...I've done it all. {Not in a LONG time, but if you've heard of it, I've probably attempted it.} But that's not what this post is about, thankfully I'm past all of that, however, it does give you an idea of the lengths I've been willing to go.
So where does that bring me now? Well, I still come down hard on myself a lot. Although, I
have come a long way in terms of my body confidence - I mean, that picture in the right-hand column took a lot of guts to put up. I even look at it sometimes and cringe, wondering "does anyone think I'm sorta fat in that pic, or that I think I'm ridiculously hot, but not?" See, that's the ugly side of my mind. Immediately negative about myself {note: I do NOT think I'm ridiculously hot...at all}. But nonetheless, I'm glad I posted it because I'm a visual person and that picture reminds me where I am {which ain't that bad I suppose} but also that I've got some improvements that could be made.
So what point am I trying to get to? Well, I'd say for the most part, I generally feel pretty good about my post-two-babies body. I know I've worked hard and continue to work...and that makes me proud. I also have a husband that compliments me daily, even if I have trouble accepting the compliments some days. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm lucky for that, because I never have to worry about working hard for him. He's happy with me as-is. He'd even take me 20 lbs heavier. The person I worry about working hard for is
me. I think I weigh so much of my happiness on how I look in outfits, bikinis, au naturel...what the weight scale says...or whether I'm having a "fat" day.
These last few weeks, I don't know what it is...maybe 30 is actually hitting me physically or something, but all of a sudden, I'm extremely aware of my not-quite-as-tone-as-it-was tummy. It's like one day, it decided to stop being flat and pop a little bit. WTF...I first thought it had to do with something menstrual, or post-vacation shit...but I keep waiting,
and waiting, for it to go back to "normal". And, it hasn't. I sit and feel like I have a beer belly {maybe more of a wine belly, to be accurate}. I hate that extra baby fat layer...it's like you can grab it and tell the doctor, "This is what needs to go, here, I'll hold it while you cut."
To make matters worse in my self-loathing pity party that just won't quit, one of my Facebook friends, whom I drank with every now and then at the bars downtown back in the day {she was a party-er!} now has abs that look like this {she's my age and also has two little boys, one that is under 2}:
Yeah, she posted this just the other day and my jaw
dropped! I mean, I knew she had become a personal trainer in the last couple years, but seriously, mad props to her for getting to
this...she must have been so motivated and determined, because that shit takes REAL work. My first thought was, "she must not drink anymore!" Then I thought,
maybe I shouldn't drink anymore either. At least a lot more sparingly than I do.
Point is, I could have spiraled further down my "body image funk" phase that I've been going through, but seeing this, well, it sparked the opposite. I want this. I want my hard work to SHOW. I am going to do whatever it takes to eat clean, cut the drinking {so long to my beloved vino} and shred down to the body I know I can have.
But first, carving out the time, and dedicating that time, to fitness.
I put in my two weeks' notice with my gym job last week. Three days a week waking up at 3am and working til 8am, then heading straight to my 9-to-5, was already hurting me physically due to lack of sleep, but more importantly, it was cutting into what would be my gym time. I would always say on those days, I'd just come back after 5pm to get my workout in, but more often than not, I'd get sidetracked with something else, things would come up, errands needed ran, and quality time with my family trumped it too. I'm a morning workout person primarily. Get up and get it out of the way type of girl.
Time to get my confidence back and be the fitness freak I know I can be. Feeling comfortable in my own skin is #1.
